I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
