Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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