i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
