I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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