my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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