Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
