How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
