i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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