please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
