just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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