I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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