i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
