Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
