This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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