I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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