Can Purell be used as lube?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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