the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
