Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
