He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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