I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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