Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
