Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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