doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
