sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
