Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
