Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
