i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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