Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
