Your face is a jimmy john
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
