I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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