The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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