I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
