The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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