Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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