Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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