the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Randomize
