I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
