We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
