some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
