he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
