it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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