I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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