He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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