Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
