Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
