I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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