drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
