I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I wish there were birth control emojis
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
