69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
