Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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